We all know that people are to blame wherever you go. There is good and bad in (almost) everyone. When we learn to live, we learn to give each other what we need to survive, despite all this jive. Ebony and Irony live together in perfect harmony. Type, type, type on my keyboard, oh Lord, why do we?

As my brother likes to say; “If it weren’t for the stupid people, the rest of us wouldn’t look so good.” Well ESPN proves once again you don’t have to be talented or even have a half-way good idea to be a contributor to their Pulitzer Prize winning journalistic sport reporting thingy. The newest bile to spew from the pages of BSPN the Magazine was this lovely and touching, racially motivated piece called, “What if Mike Vick were white?” I’ll wait for you to read it again to make sure you got it right. Hmm hm hmmmm. No really. I’m not making this shit up.

This racially motivated turd was written by Toure’. You know the guy who contributes to The Dylan Ratigan Show. The same guy that was a pop culture correspondent for CNN and interviewed such powerhouses as: Kehinde Wiley, Melissa Harris-Perry and Chuck D. Questlove. Still don’t recognize him? Well don’t feel bad, neither did I, or apparently the other 97% of the United States that said “who?” Thanks Google!

What’s the point of this article? I can think of no reason to write such a piece except for wanting to create controversy and possibly get 15 minutes of fame out of it. Hey ESPN! If posing a dumbass question is all that it takes to get paid from you guys, let me bounce a few ideas off of you:

What if Louis Pasteur had been lactose intolerant?
What if Hitler was Jewish?
What if Coach Caldwell could coach?
What if the Pillsbury Doughboy gave Little Debbie a yeast infection?
What if Batman were a hermaphrodite?
What if Peyton Manning were black?

Let’s go a little more in depth into that last one. Let’s say Peyton…aw hell, let’s just call him Payshayawn was a black quarterback. Do you think these sports journalist would still be calling him soft and continue claiming that he couldn’t win the big one and that he was a choke artist? Or do you think he’d be a warrior like Steve McNair or a hero like Donovan McNabb? How many Super Bowls had those two combined for? 0. How many NFL MVP awards were put up by those two? ½. Yeah that’s right the iconic African American quarterbacks combined for a whopping ½ of an MVP award. Peyton has a Super Bowl ring and has 4 MVP trophies at home. Are you telling me Mike Vick hasn’t won a Super Bowl because of the color of his skin? GMAFB. Ok, I’ll admit, maybe buying Mike a couple of pit-bull puppies and giving him the book “The Complete Idiots Guide to Illegal Dog Fighting and Complete Financial Ruin” for his birthday might not have been such a good idea. At least while he was in prison Mike Vick did pick up some valuable skills, like how to make a leather wallet by hand and how to hide money and cigarettes up your rectum so your roommate can’t find them.

The color of his skin has absolutely nothing to do with him not winning a Super Bowl or getting endorsement deals. Would you buy a product just because Mike Vick endorsed it? Well anything besides dog chains and herpes medication I mean. Of course you wouldn’t and neither would most people. Mike Vick’s skin didn’t kill those dogs and make all those stupid decisions. It was his dumb ass brain that did. Oh and for the record, the dogs he killed were all white.

So sayeth the Meanie

New Coke

I would like to address this to Roger Goodell, DeMaurice Smith, the National Football League Players Association and the NFL organization as a whole. With all due respect “Kiss my ass you whining bunch of overpaid millionaire spoiled self centered bastards!” Ah, I feel better.

The NFL is holding the entire football loving public hostage in their little game of “I don’t have enough ivory back-scratchers”. If they really wanted to get a deal done, it would have been done months ago. They actually released a statement that the lawyers worked late into the night to try and reach a fair compromise between the players and owners. I call bullshit. If you read the entire statement, those poor overworked lawyers had to work all the way till six pm, with breaks only for breakfast, brunch, lunch, cocktails, dinner and after dinner cocktails. Not to mention the 20 minute bathroom breaks every hour. They probably just sat in the conference room playing Call of Duty Black Ops all day with the only decisions being made were to what toppings they wanted to have on their pizzas. All this fake posturing is just a sick attempt at increasing an already staggering market share. They’ve done an excellent job of creating the fear in their fanbase that there might not even be any football this year. Oh my! What are we to do?

I have two words for you about this, “New Coke”. For those of you old enough to remember and those of you that hadn’t drank that portion of your memory away, the Coca-Cola Corporation introduced “New Coke” in 1985 announcing that the old Coke was gone and that New Coke was here to stay. Coke, which was America’s most popular soft drink for almost 100 years, was replaced by a sugary substitute that was a mere shadow of the delicious coca concoction that Dr. Pemberton had invented a century ago. The public was outraged when their beloved drink was taken away! When Coke “gave in” and introduced “Classic Coke” their sales skyrocketed. It’s a play as old as the hills. It’s known in the sales world as “the takeaway”. It’s a way for the greed machine to create even more buzz about their product. When the “lockout” is officially over people will be flying out of their homes to purchase tickets and other NFL related merchandise because by the grace of God the NFL season was miraculously saved from the depths of destruction. Well no not really, the greed machine just decided to turn the money faucet back on.

If you doubt anything I’ve said, just look to the new rule the NFL is implementing this year, a mandatory booth replay review of EVERY scoring play. Really I’m not making this $#!+ up. The NFL claims that by implementing the new rule, coaches won’t have to use their challenges on touchdowns they thought weren’t actually scored. Again I call BS. What this rule is going to do is add 20-30 minutes onto each game. More program time, equals more commercial time which directly translates into more money for the No Free Lunch group.

I love this sport, I have since I was kid, but how much is enough? Most of us don’t go to work, just to go to work. We all want to be compensated for our hard work and our efforts, but when is it all too much? Ask yourself, “What would I do for two million dollars?” The answers I’m sure are wide and varied. Some probably involve the killing of relatives while others are probably as simple as devouring the contents of a full, well used litter box using no hands having only the aid of a plastic lobster bib to keep the feline waste from soiling your clothes. Your individual answers are kind of irrelevant, but it is fun to think about what your limits might be, isn’t it? Did you know the average football player made that much last year and you can bet he didn’t kill any of his family members and there weren’t any cat turds lingering on his breath either. Well ok some of the Ravens, Jaguars, Bengals, Raiders, Cowboys, Jets and Eagles players were charged with murder, but not all of them were related to the victims and some of them were just charged with attempted murder.

Enough is enough No Free Lunch bunch. Stop New Coking us and pull your collective heads out of your collective asses. You’re really pushing the limits with a lot of people that in the past were unquestionably loyal to your product. Keep it up and the only Hail Mary’s on Sunday of any relevance are going to be the ones coming from the church.

So sayeth the Meanie.